I Have Seen The Whole Of The Internet: January 2011

Silence your windy bottom by pulling apart your buttocks before you pump. Hey Presto! No embarrassing 'fart' noise

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.

A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.

Avoid soiling your trousers by not pulling apart your buttocks when you think you are about to fart.