Sunday 28 June 2009

Oh Shit

Auntie Petes Handy Household Hints

Auntie Pete says:

1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – use
the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use
a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll
be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the
duct tape.

8. Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

No Sir, I Don't Like It

Thursday 25 June 2009

Michael Jackson dies at 50

Here is my tribute to him, poor Jacko. (sorry, it was rushed)

Kind Wishes from:


"Michael Jackson M.I.P
(Molest In Peace)"

"I heard he choked on a small bone"


"It was a hereditary heart condition, it was his billy gene"

George O'Jungle:

"Official announcement from the family: Since Wacko Jacko was 99% plastic,
instead of burial, they are instead going to melt him down into Lego blocks,
so little kids can play with him for a change"


"I'd heard he was going to be melted down and turned into plastic bags so he could still be a danger to children"

Some Jacko jokes from Michael Mooney

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?
A: There’s a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A: Because there are twenty of them.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect “10″?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: Did you know they’re putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

Q: What’s brown and often found in a baby’s diaper?
A: Michael Jackson’s hand.

Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. – you know in a few years they’ll probably
change his name to: The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson’s Baby


Neda Death Footage: Poster Child For A Million More Tragedies?

Establishment media falls over itself to broadcast footage showing death of young Iranian protester, yet completely refused to show victims of Iraq and Afghanistan wars

Western establishment media organs are tripping over themselves to broadcast tragic footage showing the death of a young Iranian woman allegedly at the hands of pro-Ahmadinejad forces in an effort to rally international opinion against the government of Iran, a stark contrast to their complete and total refusal to broadcast footage of the hundreds of thousands of innocent women and children killed in Afghanistan and Iraq by U.S. and UK troops.

Neda Agha-Soltan has become a poster child for the CIA-sponsored color revolution in Iran after tragic and shocking scenes of her death were uploaded to You Tube the day after she was gunned down in Tehran on Saturday.

Soltan is being hailed as a “martyr” and “the face of the Iranian protests” by major western media outlets in emotional news reports such as the following CNN piece.

Most Bizarre Keyboard Cat, Yet


Kid freaks out over game


Wednesday 17 June 2009

Mouse in Loaf, found in Supermarket in Ballymoney

Ballymoney is a town 12 miles away from me, made me laugh, Ballymoney folk usually would be glad of a good feed of free meat.

A man got the shock of his life when he opened a loaf of bread and found a whole mouse inside.

North Antrim Magistrates Court heard how a man purchased a Hyndman’s malt loaf from a supermarket in the Ballymoney area before Christmas 2007.

When he unwrapped the loaf he discovered the small lifeless mammal embedded in the base of the bread.

The judge fined the company, D Hyndman and Son Ltd, Maghera, £1,000 plus costs for placing unsafe food on the market.

The managing director of the company was present in court to answer the charge.

A defence lawyer told the court that the presence of the mouse was a shock to the company. He suggested it might have been put in the tin to “sabotage” the baker who has been in business for 60 years and has never had any complaints.

I Has Feets

It's the thought that counts