Sunday, 28 June 2009

Auntie Petes Handy Household Hints

Auntie Pete says:

1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – use
the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use
a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll
be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the
duct tape.

8. Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

4 comments:

  1. Excellent work. To think I've been spending all my life expending tremendous amounts of time and effort in the pursuit of my hobby, namely killing and maiming people (not necessarily in that order) in increasingly inventive or gruesome ways, when all along I could simply have been instructing people to maim themselves? Henceforth I shall be a changed psycho.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Psycho Simon, your catchphrase could be "Oopsee"!

    No, that sounds a bit fruity.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Send them in to Viz Top Tips.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Isti, there's a good chance that's where they came from.

    ReplyDelete

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